Lol I'm so immature...

If you head to the App store now, you can purchase this versatile, skanky teen app (#65)

My new year's resolution is not to laugh at this kind of shit:

Ick Nast News: Kevin Federline NAKED in Melbourne (allegedly) :X

I think I'm going to puke some more this weekend. I've finally caught up with local celebrity gossip this weekend and read the horrifying story of Kevin Federline allegedly publicly stripping off at a Melbourne hotel.

Kevin Federline in Miami, 2009 (Source)

Yes, THE Kevin Federline of fathering Britney Spears and Shar Jackson's spawn fame. Also, the Kevin Federline who danced in Christina Milian's decade-defining anthem, AM to PM video:

I love how News.com.au reports it:

"It was Kevin Federline - 100 per cent," said the resident, a married mother with a young girl.
"Drunk doesn't even cover it. He was a mess."
After dinner, the resident claimed Federline and another unidentified man got naked.
"They were nude. It was disgusting. I could see everything, absolutely everything," she said.

Source 

They clearly found such a devout married mother to make Kevin's stripping more shocking.

Apparently K-Fed is here to star in a new Channel Nine celebrity reality show about weight loss. Yay for Channel Nine for degrading themselves to a network full of crass reality entertainment like Celebrity Apprentice and The Block. It won't be long til we see Real Housewives of Melbourne!!

Ricki Lee: Raining Diamonds single launch at Midnight Shift, Sydney 5.11.11 - WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!

Australian pop singer Ricki Lee launched her new single Raining Diamonds at the Midnight Shift in Sydney last night and randomly I was there to watch the festivities.

Ricki grabs her thigh as she thanks the audience. Yes, that is her.

As I didn't even know Ricki would be performing that night, I did not have a decent camera on me so I apologise for these heinous pictures from my phone. But I can write that the vibe of the night was great, the drag queens and male dancers were hot (especially one named Rory...) and Ricki's voice was pretty spectacular. She also sang Can't Touch It before exiting the stage less than 10 minutes after her 'launch' started at like 3am in the morning.

Like the movie The Ring, all my pictures had this weird glare on her face?! At least you can see her thigh action!

Fun fact, this is the second time I've seen Ricki perform live. The first being that time I went to watch the last ever Australian Idol finale and she sang her underrated flop Hear No, See No, Speak No.

You can kinda see her face in this one...lol

It's funny, this blonde guy kept squishing into the front and pushing my friend back. Turns out he worked for Ricki. He could've told us that he needed to position himself to get her jacket instead of grunting and huffing sneering glares at my friend...

Madge's Bitchiest Bits

You can call Lady GaGa emotionally insincere, Mariah Carey over-the-top and Britney Spears clueless, but when it comes to bitchiness, you can't go past Madonna.

This week a video of Madge acting like some English old prune has gone viral! One YouTube user even called her, "the CUNTIEST CUNT among all the CUNTIEST of the CUNTS in the CUNT-land". All because she hates flowers.

Who is she again?

LOL Channel Ten. Just LOL.

Ten may as well reuse this promo. They think its 1988.

Okay, so Network Ten has just announced its 2012 programming line up. It's pretty a schedule from the 1980s. Hlarious. Here are the key "highlights":

• A new revamped Young Talent Time with Rob Mills, an ex-Idol contestant best known for fucking the herpes-infested (allegedly) Paris Hilton.
• 6:30 with George Negus is apparently returning next year for the 400 people who watch it and still believe that Negus is a relevant media figure.
• A "brand new" drama starring Lisa McCune called Reef Doctors. I expect that the cast of this "brand new" drama will be people from Rescue: Special Ops and Sea Patrol.
• A new breakfast show featuring that annoyingly smug Andrew Rochford as host. If that's not bad enough, the program will be based on the equally smug and irrelevant 7PM Project. It currently has been given the groundbreaking title 'Breakfast'.
• A drama called Homeland starring Mandy Pitinkin. If history is anything to go by, expect Mandy to leave halfway into the debut season.
• Another season of Offspring. I don't understand why people find it so original, it's basically a nurse-version of Ally McBeal and a pale imitation at that.

I think the only interesting new show Ten will spruik next year is a new dating version of The Biggest Loser. It's subtitled "Singles". That sounds like fun!

Dried up old prune looks at society with rose coloured glasses

Some irrelevant uptight fuddy duddy, June Dally-Watkins has ranted today about how much she hates Germaine Greer, the feminist movement and describes short-shorts as if they were designed by Satan. The fact that she is in the process of writing a new book probably has nothing to do with this shameless attention grab. She tells The Sunday Telegraph, "I am concerned the human race is slipping back to the heathen era and it disappoints me".

Apparently she is distressed that, "people would rather send a simple email than handwrite a letter of appreciation". Lady, it is 2011 not 1901. Not everyone grew up in a time when people wrote with quills and used their blood to seal envelopes.

But her attacks on contemporary society don't end there. Here's a gold quote delivered by Ms. Watkins, "Men and women were once courteous to each other, and then along came Germaine Greer, who said women should be more like men". What a horribly short-sighted and simple explanation to the mechanics of modernity. She probably also thinks that women should aspire to marry well and that children should be seen and not heard.

However perhaps the most controversial statement she gives is on the way women dress:

"There is nothing more inappropriate than shorts ... especially short shorts. Some ways of dressing ... give the impression of 'I'm yours, take me'."
via news.com.au

Oh dear. Let's build a time machine so this bitch can return back to her perceived "golden era"...and then we'll see what happens when she realises that she can no longer own her own business, vote in any elections, reserve the right to a career, be allowed to engage in the public arena...

I love you, Woman's Day True Confessions

Woman's Day True Confessions, how I love thee. Let me count the ways...

Actually let's just read the latest "confession" together. It's a classy fictional tale titled I Kidnapped My Friend's Cat. Actually it should really be called: I'm a cruel dumbass who stole my roommate's cat while she was out fucking her boyfriend and left it for dead in a park because we couldn't handle the responsibility.

It's just the one of many.gold purely fictional stories with extremely logical answers generated to rile up bored housewives. Why blame them when some of the "secrets" include:

True Confession: Should I leave my alcoholic husband?

Obviously.

True Confession: My teenage daughter won't get up for work

Tell her to get her lazy ass out of bed.

True Confession: My family want a pet dog

How is this a confession, save this column for real problems like:

True Confession: A family friend is dating my 20 year-old daughter

This confession. That is some Maury Povich shit right there!

Miss Universe Australia's 2011 National Costume. Lol.

Well, it's that time again. Miss Universe is around the corner and of course for our country that means yet another tragic mess for our delegate to wear. This year, people are again ripping the national costume design to shreds.

Here's what Kooey has made for our reigning Miss Universe Australia, whatever her name is:

via: Sydney Morning Herald

It's a dress that's half 90s Kylie Minogue and half Strictly Ballroom. But don't take my word for it. Ask Lizzie Hurley:

"Oh dear...this is for Miss Universe? More like Miss University student designer..."

Hoorah for YouTube! Full eps of Degrassi online!

Hooray for YouTube - I've just come discovered that full episodes of the groundbreaking Canadian teen soap Degrassi Junior High is free watch on the site via youtube.com/show/degrassijuniorhigh

Unfortunately I can't seem to find my favourite episode of the series - the one in which some blonde girl with huge glasses battles anorexia for a full 25 minute episode. It ends with her dramatically fainting at the school's science fair.

I Like This iTunes Chart

On the left is the current iTunes Australia chart.

Wow. Finally took Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera to push Adele and LMFAO out of the top. Adele is so overplayed. Sick of her. Won't the year end already and force her back to irrelevancy like what happened to Feist and Florence + The Machine? The difference though is that I actually love those two...

I like that Nicki Minaj and Nicole Scherzinger are finally in the top 10 in this country. Nicki should re-released Moment 4 Life with Drake and Nicole should rush release Wet as soon as the video comes out. Ha! I successfully chose all the singles off Killer Love. Not that it was hard, Right There and Wet were the strongest songs on that album.

Finally, it looks like Jessica Mauboy has another hit again with Inescapable after Sony kept making her release such awful singles likes Get Em Girls and What Happened to Us. They should've released MAZE! It's too late now. She has to move on from the Get Em Girls era as soon as she can and wash away all the undone! Poor girl.

Rugrats PlayStation Intro: A Blast from the Past Post

It's a very slow news day. Unfortunately Chloe Lattanzi has not released any new disturbing videos and Kerri Anne Kennerley is obviously in hiding from all of the press attention she's received all 120 years of her life.

For some reason though, I've found this gem of a clip -- it's from the original Rugrats game released in 1998 for the PlayStation.

The game developers thought it would be a good idea to recreate Rugrats' iconic theme song in state-of-the-art 3D (for 1998...). The result is this bizarre video where the babies look like cyborgs:

I remember playing this video game when I was younger. The video above shows one of its flaws -- although the maps were huge, especially for a baby, the Pickles house is so empty! It's a real metaphor for the whole game. It's pretty much a bland game that's designed to be nothing more than make a quick buck from the TV show. Or at least, that's how I recall it.

Did anyone else play it?

Nikki Webster's grim plea to Got Talent star: LEAVE AUSTRALIA!

Former child star Nikki Webster has today turned into a public mother hen, passionately warning Australia's Got Talent finalist Jack Vidgen to leave Australia due to tall poppy syndrome.

In case you've forgotten (and that's highly likely...), Nikki was that annoying little girl from the 2000 Sydney Olympics. Afterwards she had a brief singing career, peaking with her debut hit single and bogan teen romance anthem Strawberry Kisses:

Webster laments to the Sunday Telegraph that she wishes she "knew to get out of Australia at age 14, but I chose to stay in my home town and got burnt for it".

I actually agreed with Nikki here. The main reason I've been so taken aback by her comments today is because she sees it fit to compare herself to Kylie Minogue:

"Hopefully (Jack) can learn from what I went through, because I guess I was one of the first in Australia to go through it, other than Kylie".

Oh no she didn't!

Firstly Nikki, sorry girl but were never as big as Kylie even at your peak. You weren't even as big as Dannii Minogue

Secondly, "one of the first"? I don't think so... unless the world started in the 1980s.

Other than that, Nikki does have a point. Jack better watch out because he may follow in her suit and find himself in five years time releasing heinous "comeback" singles like:

...or maybe desperately performing his one hit single at a Sydney gay club. See Nikki's crowd-stopping performance of Strawberry Kisses at my friend's favourite club, The Midnight Shift below:

Rosie O'Donnell: Celebrity Detox - A Book Review

I think I need a detox from all these celebrity memoirs I've been reading this year: Michael Caine, Shania Twain, Nicholas Hope...

Tonight I finished reading Rosie O'Donnell's memoir Celebrity Detox. It was a quick read, even for my slow reading pace.

Celebrity Detox is an odd book. It's written in Rosie's annoying almost-haiku writing style and she jumps from topic to topic gratingly quickly. The book focuses mainly on her highly controversial year-long stint moderating The View in 2007. That's pretty much it. It really should be called: "My Three B's: Broadway, Barbra Streisand and Barbara Walters - In My View" by Rosie O'Donnell since those three B's are the book's recurring motifs.

I like Rosie O'Donnell fine. I like her a hell of lot better than Donald Trump. But I have to say that Celebrity Detox is one of the most self-indulgent, pointless memoirs I've read - and that includes Brushing on the Tip of Fame by Nicholas Hope. She keeps bringing up her fame and how much she's sick of it, how much she loves Barbra Streisand and all these other minute details of her life. It felt like reading an extended version of her blog. Which is entirely fine, I'm sure she has a legion of fans who would lap that up. But for me, I feel like I've gained nothing reading her autobiography. Which is what I want from reading one. I haven't learnt anything new about the person or their story and for the first time ever, I didn't find even just one sentence I wanted to highlight from the book because it spoke to me. I even found one in Brushing on the Tip of Fame so that's saying something.

Finishing it though, it did make me reflect on celebrity itself I guess. Everybody dreams of fame. Myself included. But you know what, I think I'm at a stage of my life right now where I'm detoxing those dreams out. For that I have all these celebrities, Rosie included, to thank.

So while I would not jump out of my way to recommend this book, I'm actually glad I bought Celebrity Detox for a dollar at Central Station and read it -- I read it at the right stage of my life.

And if this review does not make any sense. If you think that I at first criticised it badly then praised it by the end, then welcome to the writing style of Celebrity Detox.

What in the Man from Snowy River hell is this?

Channel Seven has released this promo for its brand new drama series, Wild Boys. Basically it looks like The Man from Snow River meets Underbelly:

Daniel MacPherson and Zoe Ventoura will both star in this...why are they always cast in Seven's latest drama projects? It's like its more of the same. Only this time it will be in the bush and set in a different time...

#WeNeedDiversity

Australia's Got Talent and Ratings

Did you watch the grand final of Australia's Got Talent last night? I didn't. But apparently 2.2million people did. Huge ratings.

Beat Masterchef, it did.

I had no time to watch. No interest. Either. So I don't care.

I'm currently reading Rosie O'Donnell's memoir. Titled Celebrity Detox. Bought it for a dollar. At Central Station. Rosie writes like this. It's odd. Annoying, even.

My Picks for the MTV VMA's 2011

We all know that the MTV Video Music Awards don't mean shit. It never has and never will. It's just a bunch of phoney awards that MTV airs each year because it gets huge ratings and buzz and often produces defining moments of popular culture like this:

But then, who cares! After MTV officially disassociated themselves as a music channel last year, the VMAs are the only thing that ties the channel to its roots before The Hills, Jersey Shore and Teen Mom took over.

Here are my picks from this year's nominees.

Video of The Year

Adele – Rolling In The Deep *WILL WIN - this fucking song was all over American radio when I was there two months ago)
Beastie Boys – Make Some Noise
Bruno Mars – Grenade
Katy Perry – Firework *SHOULD WIN*
Tyler, the Creator – Yonkers

Best Pop Video

Adele – Rolling In The Deep *WILL WIN - I've never even seen this video, but I'm sure it's Adele being "sassy" on camera*
Britney Spears – Till The World Ends
Bruno Mars – Grenade
Katy Perry – Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) *SHOULD WIN*
Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, Nayer and Afrojack – Give Me Everything

Best Rock Video

Cage the Elephant – Shake Me Down
Foo Fighters – Walk
Foster the People – Pumped up Kicks
Mumford & Sons – The Cave
The Black Keys – Howlin’ For You

Whatevs.

Best Hip Hop Video

Chris Brown feat. Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes – Look At Me Now

Kanye West - All of the Lights *SHOULD & WILL WIN*

Lil Wayne – 6 Foot, 7 Foot
Lupe Fiasco – The Show Goes On
Nicki Minaj – Super Bass

Best Female Video

Adele – Rolling In The Deep *WILL WIN - because for some reason MTV and American radio orgasm over this girl*
Beyonce – Run The World (Girls)
Katy Perry – Firework *SHOULD WIN*
Lady Gaga – Born This Way
Nicki Minaj – Super Bass

Best Male Video

Bruno Mars – Grenade *SHOULD WIN - because he's part Filipino*
Cee Lo Green – F**k You
Eminem feat. Rihanna – Love The Way You Lie
Justin Bieber – U Smile *WILL WIN - because this bitch threw a fit when he lost the Best New Artist Grammy this year*
Kanye West feat. Rihanna and Kid Cudi – All of The Lights

Best New Artist

Big Sean feat. Chris Brown – My Last
Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks
Kreayshawn – Gucci Gucci
Tyler, the Creator – Yonkers *SHOULD & WILL WIN - I actually like his videos even though he seems like such an attention seeking douchebag*
Wiz Khalifa – Black and Yellow

Best Collaboration

Chris Brown feat. Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes – Look At Me Now
Kanye West feat. Rihanna and Kid Cudi – All of The Lights
Katy Perry feat. Kanye West – E.T *WILL WIN - The fact that this went to number one in America yet the original version called "All The Things She Said" by Tatu didn't (while still going number one worldwide in 2003) speaks volumes...
Nicki Minaj feat. Drake – Moment 4 Life *SHOULD WIN*
Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, Nayer and Afrojack – Give Me Everything

Best Direction

30 Seconds to Mars – Hurricane
Adele – Rolling In The Deep *WILL WIN - I told you...everyone in America had an erection over this fucking song*
Beastie Boys – Make Some Noise
Eminem feat. Rihanna – Love The Way You Lie
Katy Perry feat. Kanye West – E.T

This should've gone to Melina, the director of Rihanna's S&M

Best Cinematography

30 Seconds to Mars – Hurricane
Adele – Rolling In The Deep *WILL WIN*
Beyonce – Run The World (Girls)
Eminem feat. Rihanna – Love The Way You Lie
Katy Perry – Teenage Dream

Boo. None of these people should receive this award.

Best Art Direction

Adele – Rolling In The Deep
Death Cab for Cutie – You Are A Tourist
Kanye West feat. Dwele – Power
Katy Perry feat. Kanye West – E.T *SHOULD & WILL WIN*
Lady Gaga – Judas

Best Choreography

Beyonce – Run The World (Girls)
Britney Spears – Till The World Ends
Bruno Mars – The Lazy Song
Lady Gaga – Judas
LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett and Goon – Party Rock Anthem *SHOULD & WILL WIN*

Even though not nominated, I'm sure MTV would've loved to nominate fucking Adele for this award, too.

Best Editing

30 Seconds to Mars – Hurricane
Adele – Rolling In The Deep *WILL WIN - I would gladly put this under 'SHOULD & WILL WIN' if they edit this whole song out of existence*
Kanye West feat. Rihanna and Kid Cudi – All of The Lights
Katy Perry feat. Kanye West – E.T
Manchester Orchestra – Simple Math

Best Special Effects

Chromeo – Don’t Turn The Lights On
Kanye West feat. Dwele – Power
Katy Perry feat. Kanye West – E.T
Linkin Park – Waiting for The End
Manchester Orchestra – Simple Math

Will Adele be around next year? Or will she be another Florence + The Machine? Another artist out of the mainstream with a good, critically-acclaimed album that broke into mainstream America...only to be forgotten after a year.

Poor Man's Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde is a serious girl, everyone

Olivia Wilde wants everyone to know that she's a serious, highly articulated person. In an interview with Marie Claire, Olivia blasts the likes of Kim Kardashian:

I'd like to refocus everyone's attention away from the Kardashians and onto Doctors Without Borders or aid workers. Let's redefine scandal. Scandal is not who so-and-so is dating; scandal is the fact that 1.2 million people are still living in tents in Haiti, and cholera is rampant because Nepalese UN soldiers dumped shit from their Porta-Potties (portable toilets) into the river.

via: Sydney Morning Herald

Apparently the actress is well known for her political activism, charity work and is a vegan. Well I had no idea, I just remember her for being an attention-whore, faux lesbian on The OC:

I love the Sydney Morning Herald's photo caption: "Olivia Wilde calls for an end to B-grade celebrity coverage". If that was the case, then she's basically advocating killing off coverage of her own career. Actually, I'd call her a C-List nauseatingly self-righteous TV actress.